The First Ever Epic Name-That-Party Contest!

By Allen Kolmes and RFB

We have actually come to an agreement on something! We have decided that we need a new political party, one that stands for what the people really want, and we need it now.

ALLEN: I have a theory about people who call themselves conservatives. I believe that a significant proportion of them (I'm guessing half) are to conservatism what Larry Craig and Ted Haggard are  to heterosexuality--that deep down inside they are actually self-loathing progressives who actually like government-provided stuff such as the CIA, the Immigration and Naturalization Sevice, Social Security, Medicare, our kick-ass military, education for everybody, the police, the Border Patrol,  the National Park Service,  freeways, airports, GPS, the Coast Guard, firefighters, , satellite TV, the FDIC, the Internet, NASA, heck,  maybe even the EPA.

What causes them to suppress this love that dare-not speak its name?  That's easy. They hate paying for it.

The rest of self-described conservatives? They are the True Believers. They really do want government spending cut back. As long as it does not affect them personally.

RUSH FAN BOY: As for the liberals, they are happy to admit they love all that government stuff (well, maybe not Guantanamo or the Materials Management Agency). And yes, they are all agreed, we should raise taxes to pay for it. Let's raise taxes on people who do really yucky things, like smokers. Or SUV drivers. Or BP.

 Too bad we can't tax terrorism. How cool would that be!

And, of course, on the rich. And you can count on this--all liberals define "rich" as  "richer than me."

Double taxes for rich terrorists who smoke. Triple if their diet consists of more than 50% trans fats and corn syrup. Quadruple if they drive a Hummer.

RFB and ALLEN: So, roughly 50% of conservatives and at least 50% of  liberals--which adds up to nearly 100% of everybody--are, deep down in their hearts, in favor of government programs but against paying for them. Unfortunately, we have a two-party system in which one party  professes to be in favor of cutting spending and cutting taxes, and the other proposing that we increase spending and increase taxes.

What we need is a party whose stated goals are what people actually want.  Pro-government assistance (to themselves, at least), anti-taxation. Pro-environment, anti-doing anything about it. Pro-guns, anti-shooting at people. In favor of a strong defense, even more in favor of strong offense, against anybody actually getting hurt, pro passing the tab on to the grandkids.

So ask yourself the following questions:

Do you want the government to keep its hands off your Medicare, your Social Security, and your paycheck?

Are you worried about the impact that the deficit will have on our grandchildren, but not enough that you would give up your premium cable channels?

Are you really really bummed out about the oil-covered pelicans in the Gulf, but not so bummed that you would trade in your Escalade for a Mini Cooper to prevent it from happening again?

If you, like the vast majority of your fellow Americans, can honestly answer "yes" to any of these questions, then join us. The best part--no need to be an activist! What we are for is what is already happening anyway! We're just not afraid to admit it, unlike those other parties.

But we need some help here--branding is crucial, and we just haven't been able to find a name for our new party. Best we could come up with is the "We Want It All But Don't Want To Pay For It" party.  Doesn't exactly light up the focus groups.

So, given the enthusiastic...ok, tepid...ok nonexistent, response to our art contest, it is with great pride that Epic announces its first ever name-a-new-political party contest!  Winners will be announced...when somebody actually enters. First prize--a credit card application.