I Have Republican Envy

by Allen Kolmes



I am--I must admit it--kind of jeaous of the Republicans. The people they can get away with electing! I seriously envy them their assholes.



Take Tom Delay, for instance. "The Hammer." Why can't Democrats get serious pricks like that elected, much less Majority Leader. O that it could be so--that Steny Hoyer is called "The Dagger?" That Nancy Pelosi is "The Stilletto?" That when during Free Association exercises, when my shrink says "milktoast" I come up with something other than "Harry Reid."


Think about it. Where are the Democratic Ann Coulters, Dick Armeys, B1 Bob Dornans, Tom Tancredos, Rick Santorums (Santori?), James Inhofes, Michelle Bachmanns...the list goes on and on.


Also, I envy the right wing their undereducated noisy politically empowered idiots. Why can't we get an army of brain-dead liberals to plague Republican congressman town hall meetings with meaningless phrases shouted at the top of their lungs? Surely, the laws of the bell-shaped-curve dictate that there must be brain-cell-deficient liberals out there. So how do we get them up from the couch and screaming vapid, but at least somewhat correct, platitudes in the political arena? I'm not expecting much--I just want our morons to neutralize their morons.

So we need a liberal Sarah Palin.
To that end, I have put an ad on Craigslist:

"Wanted: charismatic politician with worldview of Dennis Kucinich but intellectual capacity of George W Bush.. Must be willing to be thrust into national limelight and be mocked on a daily basis. Must be willing to distill liberal message into four 2 syllable words or less."